Sexy underarms

On any given day, before I leave my flat, I do three things: first, I check my teeth for stray poppy seeds. Then I have a quick look at my hair, making sure my afro is even on all sides. And last, but by no means least, I check my underarms. If this were true, I'd be one of the 77% of women who, according to Nivea, "feel sexier when their underarms look good". Because if there's one part of the body that the idea of my sexiness hinges on, it's my armpits. Obviously. Every so often, it seems, a part of the female human body is designated as flawed and we are told we must "improve" it. These days, armpits – recently rebranded as the less sweaty and earthy-sounding "underarms" – have been selected to join our sagging decolletage, facial wrinkles and crone hands as something we are being taught to be anxious about. In an August 2008 article in US Vogue, Dodie Kazanjian wrote about her underarm problem: "My eye caught an unsightly bulge of skin peeping out from under my sleeveless blouse, where my left arm joined my chest. That's sort of unattractive, I thought." And naturally, some marketing whizzes have come up with ways to help us overcome the ugliness of what is effectively a bit of skin that keeps your arm attached to your body. When Dove conducted a poll of more than 500 women, it revealed that "almost every one of them thinks that their underarms are unattractive". Additionally, one in three women feel more confident when their underarms are in "good condition". Mike Dwyer, US marketing director for Unilever's deodorant business, asked the natural question: "How do we give them that confidence?" The answer, apparently, is a deodorant that promises to give women better-looking underarms in five days. "Better-looking underarms"? One can't help but wonder how Dove defines this. For example, does the new deodorant adorn your armpit with a Marilyn Monroe-esque beauty spot? An imprint of a miniature Mona Lisa? Perhaps it deposits a single, perfect pearl in there. If pearls aren't your bag, never fear. The need to beautify "ugly" bits of our bodies has extended beyond our armpits and reached a new high (low?): our vaginas. I am referring, of course, to the entirely unnecessary procedure of vajazzling. Vajazzling, for those still blissfully in the dark, is the application of glitter and crystal on to the waxed pubic area of a woman; vagina plus bedazzle, innit? The rational question is "but why would you do that?" and the answer is: "Nobody knows, but we saw it on The Only Way Is Essex and now we must." If you find yourself so compelled, there is a tutorial, as well as some vajazzle templates on the reality show's website. Readers are reminded that the body-art crystals are not restricted to just the "nether regions. Why not add a little sparkle to your face, neckline and shoulders?" Yeah, why not? How much more prettifying can we take? The human body is, lest we forget, a complex machine. It houses a lot of little processes which keep us alive and well. But surely, the folly has reached its hysterical peak. I'm struggling to believe that there are men and women out there who will recoil from an unvajazzled vagina, crying brokenly, "but where are the jewels?" As for armpits, we could do a lot worse than Joan Rivers's latest tip: "Two-thirds water and one-third vodka, spray your armpits and you'll never smell again." It's an old Broadway trick, apparently. Armpits and vaginas "fixed", I've already moved on to wondering where next on women's bodies the gimlet stare of disapproval will fall. Maybe overly fleshy earlobes? Personally, I propose someone examine what I consider to be the real problem – unnaturally wrinkly elbows. See how the flesh gathers so unbecomingly at the joint! The petition to commence the study for fixing those starts here: our sexiness depends on it.