Sense and sensitivity

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the support of my friends was invaluable. But I also learnt ten things you should never, ever say to someone when they're sick. 1.  "I feel so sorry for you" It's amazing, the number of people who think it feels great to be the object of pity. Do say: "I so wish you didn't have to go through this." That acknowledges that you are still a sentient being, an active participant in your own drama, not just, all of a sudden, A Helpless Victim. 2.  "If anyone can beat this, it's you" It's not comforting to be told you have to go into battle with your disease, like some kind of medieval knight on a romantic quest. Submitting to medical science in the hope of a cure is just that — a submission. Illness as a character test, with recovery as a reward for the valiant, is glib to the point of insult. 3.  "You're looking well" One is never too ill to look in a mirror. Nobody wants to be patronised with lies. If your sick pal wants to discuss her appearance, she'll ask you what you reckon. It'll be a leading question, so take your cue from her. 4.  "You're looking terrible" I know it sounds improbable, but people really did feel the need to reassure me that my hideousness was plain to see. On the other hand, when I said, "Don't I look monstrous?", I was asking people to help me to laugh at myself — which many did — and to tell me that this, too, would pass. 5. "Let me know the results" Oddly, one doesn't particularly want to feel obliged to hit the social networks the moment one returns from long, complicated, stressful and invasive tests. If people do want to talk about such matters, they really need to be allowed some control over when, how and to whom. 6.  "Whatever I can do to help" It's boring. Everybody says it, even though your assumption tends to be that people do want to help. That doesn't mean help should not be offered. But "Can I pick the children up from school on Tuesdays?" or "Can I come around with a fish pie?" is greatly preferable to "Can I saddle you with the further responsibility of thinking up a task for me?" 7.  "Oh, no, your worries are unfounded" Especially when those worries are extremely founded indeed. Like a lot of women, I was disproportionately focused on the prospect of losing my hair. One friend would assert that this wasn't as likely to happen as it used to be. Actually, it's still very likely, and it did come to pass. The thing is, when people want to talk about their fears, they do not want to be told they are imaginary. Even when they are, there are more subtle ways of offering assurance than blank rebuttal. 8.  "What does chemotherapy [for example] feel like?" It is staggering, the number of people who find it impossible to restrain their curiosity. If someone wants to talk about procedures or symptoms, they will. 9. "I really must see you" Don't say it, particularly if you are then going to indulge in a complicated series of exchanges about your own busy life. 10. "I'm so terribly upset about your condition" When someone is facing a possibly fatal illness, it's not about you. Don't send your ailing chum a storm of your own wild grief, personally delivered.